Friday, May 25, 2012

BROKEN IMPRESSIONS


Image from here


“We’ll just go out and chill. Somewhere close, maybe grab something to eat. No pressure.” That’s what Jumi had said when he called. He’d said we should meet for lunch tomorrow. He always took his break at one, but he was willing to move it to two so it would be convenient for me. He wanted us to talk, get to know each other a little better. No pressure.

I noticed that my chest felt kind of tight after he hung up, but not in an unpleasant way. Jumi worked in the same office building as me, two floors above mine; and after a few very tense (at least to me) shared elevator rides, he’d asked for my number. And then he’d done nothing. For months. Oh, he was always polite when he ran into me. He would smile and wave if he was far away; and if not he’d stop me, chat for a bit, ask all the usual questions. And then he’d say, “I’ll see you around”, in that tone that always made me wonder if he was asking or saying. He’d offered me a ride once, when it was raining and the staff bus had left me because I’d had to work late. He hadn’t been going my way, but he dropped me right at my doorstep and let me have the umbrella he kept in his car. Even then, there was nothing; not even the kind of look that could keep a girl hopeful. Until today. Until this call.

I placed my phone back on my bedside table and went to my tiny wardrobe. I found the dress and took it out. Holding it against my chest, the fabric tickling my skin, I smiled. No pressure? I’ll show him pressure.

***

I got on the staff bus the next morning wearing my short beige dress and those heels that put the 'k' in killer. I was a bit disappointed at the silence that met my grand entry; but to be fair, most people used the ride to the office to catch up on much needed sleep. I spotted a vacant seat next to my colleague and almost-friend, Awele. As soon as I reached her, she grabbed my arm and pulled me down onto the seat.

“Hmm. Madam, this one that you dressed like this today, what’s up now?”

“I always dress hot, abeg. There’s nothing new here,” I said, with feigned seriousness.

“Ehn, I agree. But this hotness pass hell fire,” Awele said, her voice growing louder. “Come, where are you going after work?”

“My friend, lower your voice,” I said in a harsh whisper. She held her lips between two fingers and used her eager eyes to beg for the gist. “I’m meeting that guy for lunch. That fine one I told you about, that works on the seventh floor.”

***

I peered at my face one last time in the restroom mirror before packing up my make up and hurrying back to my work station. At 1.58, I stood and walked out of the office. I stopped by the lunch room to tell Awele I was leaving. She wished me luck, and just as I was about to continue on my way, she called me back like somebody had just died.

“Jennifer, where are you going with those flats? Where are the heels you were wearing this morning?”

“I left them in the office. I’m meeting him at Lafayette; he said he had to go around there earlier to meet someone, so I’ll just join him. Me sef I’d thought we would drive somewhere, but since I have to walk, I better respect myself and wear flats.”

“Jennifer. Wear the heels,” Awele said, the way my grandmother said things just before she would swear on her life. That kind of certainty chilled me.

“But those shoes are painful to walk in,” I whined anyway.

“Lafayette is only like two streets away. You can manage. Is it this your fine, short dress that you want to wear flats with?”

At that point, Tari, another colleague, walked in carrying her lunch. Awele promptly enlisted her.

“Tari, abeg help me see this matter. You saw the shoes Jennifer wore to work, abi?” Tari nooded. “Okay. That one and these flats, which ones should she wear?”

“Ah, the heels now!” Tari said, looking at me like I was stupid. I wanted to rip her expensive wig off.

“You hear?” Awele said, pulling her ear lobe. “You want to make an impression? Wear those heels. I swear, he won’t forget you in a hurry.”

To be continued...

Friday, May 18, 2012

A DAY AT THE PARK


Fun, anyone?

Did you hear of the mime who died?

It was 1 pm on a sunny day at a park somewhere in Europe or the Americas, and this guy, he doesn’t even think before he brings out his lunch. Like me, he loves a good routine: 1pm every day = lunch time. So he sits on a park bench and gets out his chicken sandwich, and he takes a bite. Two bites. Three. Four. On the fourth swallow, a morsel of chicken gets stuck in his trachea.

The mime tries to get the attention of a passerby. He’s gesturing wildly with his hands and his eyes bulge, like they’d pop right out of their sockets. A passerby stops and stares at the mime, then he breaks into a smile, nodding his approval. This dude is awesome! He calls the attention of another passerby, and another, and another, and soon there’s a good-sized crowd, the kind our poor mime would never have been able to pull were he not dying. The mime stretches his hand, trying to reach the person nearest to him. Too far. He falls onto his knees, grasping his throat. His face is turning blue, but it’s hidden under the mask of white that is part of his costume. With the last of his strength, he’s trying to speak. The crowd breaks into applause. People are smiling, telling each other how great he is; how real. His last thought as he crumples to the ground is, Oh, man, this sucks. The applause continues for minutes after, until some genius decides you can only fake not breathing for so long.

See, I’m human and I felt sad when I heard this story. But it was a detached sadness; a how-unfortunate-for-him-I’ll-just-go-on-ahead-with-my-day type of sadness. I couldn’t relate. Until a certain day when I decided to go on a certain ride at a certain theme park. If you know me well, you’d know that I’m not thrilled by speed or wild rides. Besides, I’d seen Final Destination 3; there was no way I’d get on that ride if it looked even the least bit not okay. I was there on vacation, not to die. This ride looked relatively harmless, though; like one of those very tame merry-go-round type things they used to have at Apapa Amusement Park. So I was like, heck, why not. My more adventurous sisters and friends charged ahead. I followed.

We got in line and got on the ride. Each seat took two people, and there were five of us in my group; I was the one left without a partner. There were a couple of guys sitting alone, but feeling like a brave someborri I ignored them and went and sat on my own. The attendant showed us how to work the braces and I smiled and took a deep breath. Seriously, a ride that looked like this, how bad could it be?

I found out. 

The ride started off nicely enough. The pace was slow; the breeze only lifted my hair a little, and I could still smile and wave at the people on the ground. But before I knew what was happening, the thing started spiraling like mad. My braids were whipping my face and I was being thrown from side to side, up and down, and everything was a sickening blur of colours. I had to half lie on that seat and put my head down. Then, I wished more than anything that I had sat with one of those boys; a body beside me would have acted as a buffer and I would have been less likely to die. Better yet, I should have just stayed on the ground; who sent me? I held on to the braces - which weren’t as firm as they’d seemed earlier, by the way - like my palms were glued to them. I knew that if I let go, I would not leave the theme park on my feet.

So I hunkered down in my seat, with barely enough air in my lungs to beg God not to let me die. My fellow riders were screaming, and the people watching us were clapping, and I could hear my mother yelling at me to sit up, smile and wave, she wanted a good picture. Really?! Well okay, I’ll just pull myself upright, let go of the braces and give a quick wave. I’ll die, but hey, you’d get your picture.

I’m writing this today, so no, I didn’t die. The ride stopped and I clambered down on legs made of jelly. As I got off the platform, the attendant smiled at me. “Great ride, eh?” he said. To this day, I do not remember what happened next, but my people swear that when they  tore me off him, all four of them plus my mother, I had a piece of his t-shirt clenched between my teeth. 


I cannot verify this, though. All I remember is blackness, and then me sitting on a patch of grass with my head between my raised knees, thinking, Oh man, this sucks.

Friday, May 11, 2012

TRIVIA FRIDAY: TAGGED!


Image from here

I got tagged by Myne Whitman, so my response will be the post for the week.

The rules 
You must post 11 things about yourself. Answer the questions that your tagger posted for you. Create 11 questions, then choose 11 people and tag them to answer your questions. Don't forget to let them know they've been tagged. No tag backs. 

11 things (you probably didn’t know) about me
1. I had to consciously learn to swing my arms as I walk, after my older sisters did a thorough job of yabbing my walk. Even now it still takes effort; you’d notice if you watch closely.

2. I’m one of those Nigerians who cannot speak a Nigerian language, including mine (except maybe if you count pidgin; and my pidgin flow is not even smooth). And I’ve lived all my life in Nigeria.

3. Moulin Rouge is my favourite musical. I’ve seen it several times, but after the first time, I never watched past the Spectacular Spectacular showing. Satine dies right after *sob*

4. I enjoy killing flies when they get in my house. It makes me happy on the inside.     

5. I have a Nokia phone that’s about six years old and still works (and looks) well. See.



6. I don’t know my left from my right. I have to pause and consider before I say either.

7. My sense of direction is… Sigh. Let’s just say you don’t want me directing you anywhere (see 6 above).

8. I hardly ever get sick.

9. I know the smell of a dead cockroach that has been left in water for too long. Don’t ask.

10. I was that cute child at the salon with relaxer burning her scalp, but who for some reason would sit still until the attendant remembered to check on her. In some ways I still am.

11. I have never fought with anyone who’s not a sibling. And even with them, hardly ever.

Questions from Myne Whitman
1. How many brothers and sisters do you have?
A. I have four sisters and no brothers.

2. What do you consider as success?
A. Thriving in the place(s) where one is naturally gifted, simply put

3. Rank Fame, Happiness, Love, Health and Money in order of preference.
A. Health, happiness, love, money, fame

4. Will you go for a PhD degree?
A. Probably not

5. What kind of books do you like reading?
A. I used to do a lot of genre fiction, but these days I’m fond of short story collections and fiction by African writers.

6. What are your hobbies?
A. Writing, watching movies, listening to gist, reading

7. Chocolate or Ice cream?
A. Definitely ice cream

8. Your best movie and why?
A. This one is hard o. Can I answer three best movies? Okay: Moulin Rouge, Shrek 2, Three Idiots. Moulin Rouge because of the music and the quirkyness. Shrek 2 is really funny, I think. And I love the music there too. Three Idiots is absolutely hilarious, plus it has a great message.

9. What do you consider your best trait, personality or physical wise?
A. Patience; a slow temper.

10. Where did you last go on holiday?
A. Uk and Paris. Fun.

11. If you could be an animal, which would it be?
A. Emm… I couldn’t.

11 Questions from me
1. What would you do with your life if you knew money would never be a problem?

2. Do you believe in one soul mate for each person?

3. When last did you cry?

4. What would you change about yourself if you could, physically or otherwise?

5. Books or movies?

6. What was the most fun you had this week?

7. Have you ever struggled with an addiction (you don’t have to say what)?

8. What’s the quickest way for a member of the opposite sex to get your attention?

9. Do you like or show public displays of affection?

10. Are you currently holding a grudge against anyone?

11. What is the quickest way for a member of the opposite sex to lose your interest?

The tagged (ghen ghen!)


Friday, May 4, 2012

GUILTY


Image from here

Applying for a US visa is not like appearing before a court of law; you’re not entitled to a fair hearing or a mouthpiece. But it’s simple; you go in and you listen and follow directions. A customer service notice on the wall of the waiting area says, among other things, “We promise to treat each application as unique.” But whoever wrote that knows, just like I do, that it’s asking way too much of the interviewers. The official visa denial letter says, and I paraphrase, “We treat each visa applicant, non-immigrant or otherwise, as though they were seeking immigrant visas.” That already tells me that my application is not an individual, “unique” one.

I don’t know how it is with other nationals, but as a Nigerian applying for a US visa, you are guilty – of scheming to get into the US and not return – until proven innocent. Apparently, this place is so terrible, with no electricity or social infrastructure or security, and all that poverty, that it’s inconceivable that any Nigerian would have their feet touch US soil and return here of their own volition; not carried and dumped back unceremoniously, kicking and foaming at the mouth. It’s a well-known, scientifically proven fact; every Nigerian wants to live in the US (or any other country in The Abroad). America is God’s own country, no, and everyone knows we’re an extremely religious people.

As I listen and follow directions, patiently awaiting my turn, it never crosses my mind that I will not get the visa, so I don’t consider how I’d arrange my facial features if I get a no. I just know it cannot happen. My ‘interview’ lasts approximately 56 seconds. What do you do? Editor. Where will you be going? Houston. Who will you be staying with? Friend of the family, Mr. X2. How long? About a week. Dates? So-so to so-so. Where have you travelled to outside of Nigeria? UK, France on vacation. Are you married? No. Purpose? Vacation.

He rifles through a sheaf of papers beside him and I hear: “I’m sorry, but at this time your application is being denied…”

What? Just like that! But I have all these other documents to help my case! Don’t you want to see…?

“…here is a letter explaining the reason you are being denied a visa. Off you go now.”

I don’t handle rejection well. For a moment, I consider my options. I could bang my fists against the glass partitioning, screaming bad words at the official, savouring the shocked expression that appears on his face, until five security men carry me away in a blaze of bright lights and glory. I could look the man in his albino eyes and slowly, deliberately, thrust my middle finger as close to his pink face as the partitioning would allow. I could pack my documents together and mumble ‘okay’ while avoiding his eyes, and walk away quietly. I choose option three. Pathetic.

As I leave the hall, I’m caught between anger and embarrassment. Surely there’s a box that these people tick off somewhere that alerts them to potential illegal immigrants like me. How else could he know in less than a minute? Single, check. Works at some place nobody knows of, check. Something ‘not right’ about applicant’s face, check. But I can’t blame him; there is no way he can see that I have no desire to leave my relatively comfortable existence here to ‘hustle’ in the US, scaling fences and dodging Homeland Security, working in some hole for below minimum wage. He cannot possibly know that I would not live in the US if he got on one knee, immigrant visa in hand, and begged me to.

In the room just outside the hall, I stop to put my documents in my envelope, and the security man asks how it went. My throat is tight, but I manage to answer, “Not good.” He expresses his sympathies. As I step out into the sunlight, I admit that I am not angry. I’m embarrassed, and not just for myself. While I had sat waiting for my turn to interview, I had passed the time quite contentedly watching the immigrant visa applicants at this one cubicle. The interviews are not conducted in closed spaces, so anyone who sits close enough and cares to listen can hear the details of any. I listened to the American behind the glass interview one man who had tried desperately to sound American enough to impress, and another who had faked documents. Even though the embassy official had kept his face impassive while uncovering these shenanigans, I couldn’t help the shame I felt imagining what must have been going on in his head.

There was this one woman who had met her husband online, friend.com or so. He’d come home and they’d gotten married and he’d gone back to the US, or so she said. The official had felt the need to keep reminding her that she had sworn to tell the truth each time he raised the wedding pictures to her face and asked if they hadn’t been altered in some way. Unfortunately for her, he decided something smelled really bad (you think?), especially when he checked and found that Mr. Husband had himself gotten into the US by marrying and promptly divorcing some woman. She was hearing this news for the first time, poor woman. Point is, the skepticism in the official’s eyes was echoed in my thoughts as I listened and watched. These embassy people must see countless attempts by Nigerians every day to get into the land of the free and the brave by any means necessary, most of them without any intention of coming back. How are they just supposed to wipe our collective slate clean with every new face and treat each case on an individual basis?

How to fix this? Well, how about taking down that rubbish sign that claims that each applicant would be treated as “unique”, or at least replacing it with this truth: “We promise to treat each applicant with the dignity that everyone, including potential illegal immigrants, deserves.”

Friday, April 27, 2012

WEATHERMAN


Image from here

Nobody had said it would rain today. There had been no warning of dark clouds or thunderstorms. But it is there in her stance; the way she holds up her head, how she lets me plant my good morning kiss on her cheek, without leaning in like she would on a sunny day. I leave her doing last night’s dishes at the kitchen sink and go get ready for work. I tell myself that this time it would be different, but I already know how today will play out. The pattern is all too familiar now.

I’ll get into the shower, wondering all eight minutes of it whether this is my fault, whether I have done something wrong. I’ll play back the past month in my head, and at the ninth minute, while I’m drying myself, I’ll decide that no, this one isn’t about me. She will have that nameless look on her face during our cold, silent breakfast, and it will confirm that I have nothing to do with this weather.

I’ll shut the door firmly behind me when I go. I will leave her at home, but she’ll follow me around all day, hovering in my head with vacant eyes. Dark clouds will hang in the sky and block the sunlight. I will work late, trying to stretch out the hours till I have to see her again.

I will return home and the house will be still. She’ll be in the living room, staring at the muted TV. I’ll murmur good evening, pretend not to notice that she doesn’t answer. For a second, my anger will convince me that I don’t care; that I can ignore her pain, whatever it is. Then I’ll spend eight minutes in the shower, wondering what I can do this time to make her talk to me. While I’m getting dressed I’ll admit to myself that I have nothing new.

I’ll go to her and ask her – beg her – to say something. She’ll look through me, and then at me. Her lips will start to tremble and she’ll cry for hours. I will hold her and rub her back through it, and pray that the sun comes out tomorrow.

Friday, April 20, 2012

WE RIDE


Image from here
As we cross Herbert Macaulay, I’m considering two *danfos idling by the side of the road, their conductors screaming ‘Balende! Balende!’ and ushering, sometimes almost shoving, potential passengers towards their buses. I pick the second one; it looks good and solid on the outside, though I hate that it has something like a wall behind the driver’s seat so I can’t see the road in front of me. I enter with a mental shrug – it looks better than the other bus – and wave goodbye to my friend.

I sit on the first bench, beside the window; it’s my favourite danfo position. There’s a man in the front seat, beside the driver, and another sitting behind me. I settle in and watch the street. Three more passengers get in, and the man behind me gets up and leaves the bus, returning the nod the conductor gives him. He’s one of those people conductors get to sit in their buses to make them look fuller, so impatient commuters would be convinced to enter. I’m not annoyed by this trick today; I’m not in a hurry. After a few minutes, the bus starts to move and I relax, confident that I’d chosen the right bus. The ride is measured and smooth and the engine works at a less than deafening roar.

We are not quite at the end of Third Mainland Bridge when the bus jerks once, twice. The engine sputters, and the driver starts to steer the bus to the right, to the lane overlooking the water. I am peering through the partition in front of me and then out the window, wondering what’s stopping us and frustrated that I can’t see the road ahead. When the bus stops, the driver and conductor confirm that the fuel has run out. Someone makes a joke, says the conductor should get out a hose and suck water from the lagoon to move the bus. I don’t laugh, but the other passengers do. Did I miss something? We’re on Third Mainland! Cars, BRT buses and other danfos are whizzing past, and with every gust of wind that marks their passing I’m slowly freaking out, looking left, right, behind, so I will see when the speeding vehicle crashes into us from behind. Another danfo slows down behind us and stops. I get up immediately, to rush out and join the other bus. I can see the blue green water of the lagoon from over the bridge rails.

“Excuse me, let me get down.” I’m avoiding looking at the lagoon below. There are three passengers seated beside me, blocking my path to the door. There’s a chorus of ‘ahn-ahn, wait first… we go soon move’ from the passengers and nobody’s moving. I plop back down on my seat.

A few seconds more of indeterminate activity between our conductor and the driver of the other bus, and I’m ready to get out again. I stand.

“Please, excuse me, abeg. I want to get down.”              

The men beside me laugh. No need, they say. Our bus will get to Obalende before the one behind us. I’m about to insist, but our bus is suddenly rammed into from behind and it starts to move again, fuelled by the momentum from the bus behind. The movement forces me back on my bum and the journey continues. The other danfo stays faithfully behind us, pushing every time we lose momentum, leaving us to roll forward only when it stops at Adeniji Bus Stop to let out some passengers. Another bus takes over ramming us forward, and a fat woman comments on this show of solidarity. Apparently I’m the only one who thinks we should have just switched buses when we had the chance. The other passangers take up the fat woman’s comment, comparing danfo drivers to the okada and taxi men, praising them on how they are so supportive of each other, if you had beef with one you’d have to deal with them all. 



Me, I’m staring out the window, my lips stiff, wondering when I entered into this alternate universe where Lagosians are so merry and tolerant?


*Danfo: 14 to 16 (sometimes more) seater buses, usually painted yellow and black, used for public transport in Lagos 

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

2012 FARAFINA TRUST CREATIVE WRITING WORKSHOP: Nine reasons you should apply

Image from here


The 2012 Farafina Trust Creative Writing Workshop has been announced. As an attendee at last year's workshop, I know a few reasons why you should apply - that is, if you're a writer seeking learning/improvement.


1. Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie. She's an amazing teacher and writer, and the opportunity to learn from her is something you don't want to just pass up.
2. You'll be well taken care of, in terms of lodging and transportation. No need to worry your writer's head about that.
3. You'll make new (and probably awesome) writer friends.
4. You'll be pushed/motivated (I know I was).
5. If you had any doubts, you'll be convinced you're not a crazy person for pursuing "this writing thing".
6. You'll get comfort from realizing - if you hadn't before - that there are others like you.
7. You'll get to write new (maybe wonderful, maybe not) stuff.
8. Application deadline is June 25, so you have enough time to give it your best shot.
9. Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie; in case you didn't get it at number 1.


Start preparing now o; I hear time flies. 


See details below...



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