Friday, July 24, 2015

Danfo chronicles: The 200

After work one day I got on a danfo bus from Yaba to Obalende. When it was time to pay I offered the worn N200 note that I’d gotten from the lunch lady that afternoon to the conductor. He took the money, eyeing it as he held it between his thumb and forefinger.

‘This money no good o,’ he growled, thrusting it back at me.

I took the note and examined it. Even though it had one or two tiny holes and a small strip of Cello tape fixing a tear on one corner, I thought it was passable. But I don’t know how to fight, so I quietly took a N1000 note from my wallet and gave it to the conductor who took it, grumbling about his not having change. I looked away. It wasn’t the conductor’s business that I had two N100 notes sitting pretty in my wallet. It was nobody’s business. I might not be good at fighting with my fists or with quick, cutting words, but even your mild passive-aggressive has many weapons in her arsenal. 

After a while the conductor had a change of heart. He grudgingly asked for the rejected N200 and returned my N1000.

All was quiet until one passenger asked the conductor for his change and my N200 ended up in his hand. The guy took one look at the note and held it out to the conductor.

‘I can’t take this money,’ he said. ‘Be quick and change it; I’m coming down at Adeniji.’

‘There is no change o,’ the conductor said. ‘You go manage am like that.’

I felt a twinge of guilt, but I could see two N100 notes in the conductor’s hand. The man had seen this too.

‘No be 200 naira you hold for your hand so?’ he said. ‘My friend give me beta money before I reach my bus stop!’

The conductor spread out the notes in his hand and, all of a sudden, there was only one N100 note. ‘Where you see 200?’ He asked.

The passenger was incredulous, as was I. ‘I saw two hundred in your hand just now!’ he said.

The bus came to a rattling stop at Adeniji Bus Stop and the conductor opened the door. The passenger stayed on the bus, waving the N200 note at the conductor as he hovered over the laps of the woman beside him, as if trying to decide whether to sit on them. The woman was 
not pleased.

‘Abeg carry your yansh, make I see road!’ she said.

The man carried his buttocks to his seat while I raised my handkerchief to my eyes and pretended to be wiping something. I wondered if the man sitting beside me remembered I’d been the giver of the contentious N200. I couldn’t let him see me laughing.

The driver turned to look at his conductor. ‘Wetin happen?’

‘Nothing do that money but he say he no want am,’ the conductor said.

The passenger waved the note in the driver's face. ‘See this money. If they give you you go take am?’

The driver barely glanced at the note. ‘Nothing wrong with this money jor. This man, you like trouble.’ He turned to the conductor, ‘You get another one?’

‘Another change no dey o,’ the conductor said.

‘Passenger, you go follow us reach Obalende be that,’ the driver said as he sped off.

The embattled passenger proceeded to make his case to the woman beside him. ‘See the money wey this conductor give me,’ he said, like a child reporting a bruise courtesy of an overly aggressive playmate.

The man beside me spoke up: ‘Ahn-ahn, that money is bad na. If na me sef I no go take am.’

The woman agreed in a quieter voice. ‘It’s true, that money is not good. Conductor, you suppose change am.’

‘And now that you don carry me pass Adeniji, you go give me money to come back,’ the passenger said, ‘or else you go see trouble today.’

‘See this one!’ the conductor said. ‘Na who you wan show trouble? See ehn, you must to show me that trouble o. Before I change this money you must to show me that trouble. Your mouth like crayfish.’

I kept my eyes and face straight.

By the time the bus reached Obalende it was mayhem, with the driver and conductor on one side and the passengers banded together on the other. As soon as the bus stopped I slipped out from amongst the screaming humans as they hurled insults and threats. I thought of that scene every single action movie seems to have: unflappable hero walks off in slow motion while the car or building she’s set fire to blows up behind her. I finally knew what that felt like.  

Tuesday, July 14, 2015

Theatre Review: The Insomniacs

About the play

Written by Hafeez Oluwa, The Insomniacs is a delightful musical that tells the story of a band on their way to the big leagues. The Insomniacs - Ada, Deju, Lolo, Eric and Emeka - have worked hard and are ready for their big break, their first real show. But Deju's addiction will lead to a tragedy none of them could foresee, breaking the group apart and setting their lives on different courses. When they come together again years later, a lot has changed: loves lost and gained, hearts and bodies broken. Their only hope is their love for each other, and for the music.

It was with some reluctance that I bought a ticket to see The Insomniacs. I’d never experienced Lekki Waterside Theatre before, neither had I heard of the writer Hafeez Oluwa (as it turns out, The Insomniacs is his first stage play). But I love theatre, and I often enjoy musicals, so it was an easy decision. It turned out to be one I did not regret. 

The Insomniacs has a good story line, and really great music to go with it. The band had the audience singing along to songs like Asa’s ‘Jailer’, Styl Plus’s ‘Run Away’, ‘Say Something’ by A Great Big World and Christina Aguilera, and Staind’s ‘So Far Away’. Tosin Gregory gave an outstanding performance as Eric, the group’s drummer-slash-funny man. I wasn’t laughing when he gave his solo musical performance, though; I was nursing my goosebumps.  I’d watched Tosin in Band Aid last year, and now with The Insomniacs I’m definitely a fan.

Two scenes from the play were shown on screen using a projector, and I found this an interesting deviation from the norm. One short scene was set behind the audience, so we had to turn in our seats to watch. Another ‘scene’ was simply a disembodied voice that was one side of a phone conversation. It all came together very well.

In all, The Insomniacs was time and money well spent. The show started almost an hour late, but a few minutes in and all was forgiven.

The show is on for two more Sundays this month. Don’t dawdle.

Venue: Lekki Waterside Hotel, Wole Olateju Crescent, Lekki Phase I

Time: 2pm and 5pm, Sundays in July

Tickets: N3000

Friday, July 3, 2015

Yellow Mitsubishi: The Fifth Road Trip

Ngwo Pine Forest, Caves and Waterfall, Enugu

For Democracy Day weekend at the end of May we planned a road trip to Enugu. We left Lagos at about 8.30am and arrived our hotel at Independence Layout, Enugu, sometime around 7pm. Take out the bad roads and time spent stuck in traffic and we would have got to Enugu much sooner. 

We stayed at Utopia Suites. Our hotel accommodation cost less than N7000 per room for both nights, thanks to our Jovago discount. Utopia Suites did not live up to its name, though – from dirty looking sheets and bath tubs to an apparent one-towel-per-room policy, and other small inconveniences, Utopia was one of the more unpleasant hotels we’ve encountered on our travels.

Our time in Enugu was pretty short. Due to the distance from Lagos we knew we would spend two days travelling and have only one day to explore. One thing we made sure to do was partake of the food of the area. I tried okpa for the first time (I’d come across it many times before but had never bothered to), and some of us got a first taste of abacha from a roadside bar.

We set out from the hotel around 11 on our first morning with a plan to visit Udi Hills, Ngwo Caves and Waterfall and Ezeagu Waterfall/Tourist Complex. We figured out, with maps and with the help of some policemen and passersby, that Ngwo caves was closest to our starting point (it was about 45 minutes away), and so with the policemen pointing the way we headed off onto a narrow, winding road. The bends were breathtakingly sharp, and to our right was a drop of several feet. We couldn’t go any faster than about 20km/h. Where we didn’t have trees blocking our vision, the view was amazing, with hills and the city’s buildings dotting the landscape. It was exhilarating, and a little scary. Not the kind of road you want to be on with any kind of trouble.

We reached a roadside fuel station, and there we picked up a man who knew where we were headed and offered to take us there. The winding road took us further, into Hill Top, Ngwo, and from there we made our way to the pine forest. There, we were met by two men who wouldn’t let us through; they were asking for a N5,000 ‘entry fee’. There was no official entryway or booth, or a ticketing system, just these two guys trying to fleece people. We haggled a bit, threatened to leave, and were able to get in for much less.

The pine forest consists of neat rows of trees. The canopy created by their branches and leaves overhead gives an ethereal feeling. We came across groups of people praying, and at least two wedding parties taking post-ceremony pictures. We invited ourselves to take a picture with a lovely couple who didn’t seem to mind.

One of the men who’d demanded money from us became our unofficial guide. He took us down a long path in the bush, sometimes steep and sometimes rocky (it was like a less extreme version of our Erin Ijesha adventure). He’d said there was an easier path through the pine forest, but that it would take much longer. We had plans to visit other places so we chose the quicker route. It was a difficult path, though; so with the luxury of time the pine forest would be the easier and more scenic choice. At some point it started to feel like the guide might be leading us into an ambush in the forest.

Eventually we arrived at a clearing. The waterfall and caves are tucked in a narrow cavity that opens into a small circular space. It’s like being in a dark room with a small skylight, the water falling from the hole in the roof of the cave and down into a pool that forms into a stream. It’s a small waterfall; you can get close and even stand under it.

The cave has an air of mystery to it, and its walls look like burnt clay. Our guide stood to one side smoking weed and saying nothing, so we had no commentary to go with the sights. I doubt he could have told us much anyway. We had our fill of the caves, took several pictures and made our way back out.

When we left Ngwo we decided to head to Ezeagu. We’d read about a place called Ezeagu Tourist Complex, with caves and a waterfall. Nobody we asked knew an Ezeagu Tourist Complex, but they knew Ezeagu Waterfall, and we figured this was close enough. We found our way with the help of an okada rider. Apparently, it was quite a popular spot.

We found out just how popular when we got to the gatepost leading to the waterfall area. There were several buses parked, most bearing logos from University of Nigeria, Nsukka, and we could hear party music in the distance. When we got to the waterfall there was a massive crowd of young bodies, some frolicking in the water, others dancing or drinking or smoking. There were three Deejay posts, with different music blaring from each of them like there was some kind of contest going on.

Unfortunately, we could not stay long – the teeming crowd, the loud music, the partying students, it just wasn’t very inviting. But it looked like a beautiful waterfall, from what we could see of it.

This has been our farthest journey yet on Yellow Mitsubishi. As always, it was a great exploring; I only wish we’d had time to visit more of the attractions Enugu has to offer.

Photos courtesy Yellow Mitsubishi

Saturday, June 20, 2015

Theatre Review: Single in Gidi

If you haven't seen Single in Gidi yet, you still have two Sundays to do so. With a stellar cast and some of the funniest lines I’ve heard in a long time, Single in Gidi was loads of fun.

Single in Gidi is a one-hour (approximately) stage adaptation of a blog by the same name, created by Sheila Ojei. The Single in Gidi blog “covers topics of dating, relationships and love. It’s a place to talk about all things stomach butterflies, heartache, confusion and the joys of romance in the chaotic city of Lagos.” And the play feels just like this, like watching a conversation amongst friends. Though the play has no traditional narrative structure or a storyline per se, this takes nothing away from the enjoyment.

One thing that I found particularly pleasing was the ‘stage’ set-up and seating arrangements. Instead of the stage as a raised platform with the audience seated across from it, the floor space was set up as the stage, and the audience sat around it in twos and threes. This made me feel like I was a part of the performance and not just watching it.

The cast consists of three young males and three young females, all single in Gidi. They talk about the fun, challenges and peculiarities of living in Lagos, and being single in it. From the pressure to keep up appearances to the desperation to become a Mrs, from loves lost and hearts broken to aso-ebi politics, from learning to spot a Lagos Big Babe to man-hunting on the Lekki-Ikoyi Bridge, they bare it all.

Single in Gidi is as thought-provoking as it is humorous. It challenges us to rethink our demands and expectations, especially as far as love and romance are concerned.

Single in Gidi shows at Terra Kulture every Sunday in June, at 3pm and 6pm. Tickets cost N3000 (regular) and N5000 (VIP).

Omoye Uzamere
Meg Otanwa
Leelee Byoma
Timi Charles-Fadipe
Austine Onuoha
Tosin Oguntayo

Lydia Idakula Sobogun (Gbagyichild Entertainment)

Kenneth Uphopho

Sheila Ojei

Saturday, June 13, 2015

Crown Troupe of Africa marks 19th anniversary

Here's something for theater lovers. To celebrate its 19th anniversary, Crown Troupe of Africa is hosting a variety of theatre events in Lagos in the months of June and July. 

Below is the schedule of events. I'm definitely watching a play or three.

Sunday, June 7th: ORISIRISI - Skits: Play Your Part and Our Area
Venue: Lekki Waterside Theatre, Wole Olateju Crescent, off Admiralty Way, Lekki Phase I
Time: 3pm and 6pm
Gate: N3000

Sunday, June 14th: ORISIRISI - Skits: Our Area and Open Letter
Venue: Lekki Waterside Theatre, Wole Olateju Crescent, off Admiralty Way, Lekki Phase I
Time: 3pm and 6pm
Gate: N3000

Sunday, June 21st: ORISIRISI - Skits: Monkey Post and O Ti Ya
Venue: Lekki Waterside Theatre, Wole Olateju Crescent, off Admiralty Way, Lekki Phase I
Time: 3pm and 6pm
Gate: N3000

Thursday, June 25: PIECE OFF (dance piece) 
Venue: Wajo @ Freedom Park, Lagos Island
Time: 5pm
Gate: Free

Sunday, June 28th: ORISIRISI - Exodus and O Ti Ya
Venue: Lekki Waterside Theatre, Wole Olateju Crescent, off Admiralty Way, Lekki Phase I
Time: 3pm and 6pm
Gate: N3000

Sunday, July 5th: Wole Soyinka's KONGI'S HARVEST
Venue: Terra Kulture, Tiamiu Savage Street, Victoria Island
Time: 3pm and 6pm
Gate: N3000

Sunday, July 12th: Wole Soyinka's KONGI'S HARVEST
Venue: Terra Kulture, Tiamiu Savage Street, Victoria Island
Time: 3pm and 6pm
Gate: #3000

Monday, April 20, 2015


It has always existed as a cliché in my head.

Woman goes through some kind of upheaval (usually emotional), and as a result, or in protest, or in defiance – or in fear – she takes a pair of scissors to her hair. Life begins anew. Perhaps.

Today, I am that cliché.

Recently many unanswered questions, many issues in my life that I have so far refused to confront, have begun to come to the fore. Questions about who I am and what it means to ‘be myself’; questions about my family, my friendships, my past, about the fears that I have carried to this day. Questions about masks and the reasons why we – why I – wear them.

Questions about what happens next. What happens now?

Upheaval can be a good thing. It can be the ass-kicking we need.

Sunday morning the thought came to me in the bathroom – cut it. Do it quick, don’t wait for tomorrow or you know you’ll change your mind. Do it now, you know you want to. I laughed cos it was ridiculous. I was becoming a character in somebody’s book; and even then, couldn’t I do better than the ridiculous hair cutting ‘symbol’. What does it really do anyway; how does it help? But before I finished showering there were tears in my eyes and the decision was made. Maybe things were changing inside me, and I wanted… what? To let myself know things were changing? To let the world know? What was this, some kind of commemorative gesture? Was it an attempt at taking control? Would it make me feel any freer, any more courageous?

I do not know.

I loosened out my plaits and cut my hair.

I won’t make out like it was anything close to spiritual, this cutting of my hair. But it was a strange thing. Every other time my hair has been cut there’s been a reason I knew. You’re starting boarding school: cut your hair so it’s not a distraction. You want to try a new look as you wean yourself off relaxers: cut most of your hair, make the transition easier. Things aren’t so clear this time.

I hold clumps of my hair in my hands, this disembodied thing that used to be attached to my head, and a part of me already feels removed from it. I don’t need to hold it to my nose to smell it, but I do anyway; it’s the smell of Cantu Shea Butter, oils, sweat, me.

When I am done, I take a picture, of my hair in the Spar bag I have put it in, with my trusty scissors. My hair is brown; a lighter brown at the tips, darker the closer it is to my scalp. But not black; never black, as far as I know. I wrap it up and stuff it in the bin. Done is done.

This feels like beginning.

Maybe it’s the start of something good.

Or maybe it’s just PMS.

Friday, March 20, 2015

2015 Farafina Trust Creative Writing Workshop

Farafina Trust will be holding a creative writing workshop in Lagos, organized by award-winning writer and creative director of Farafina Trust, Chimamanda Adichie, from June 16 to June 26, 2015. The workshop is sponsored by Nigerian Breweries Plc. Guest writers who will co-teach the workshop alongside Adichie are the Caine Prize winning Kenyan writer Binyavanga Wainaina, National Librarian of Norway Aslak Sira Myhre, and others.

The workshop will take the form of a class. Participants will be assigned a wide range of reading exercises, as well as daily writing exercises. The aim of the workshop is to improve the craft of Nigerian writers and to encourage published and unpublished writers by bringing different perspectives to the art of storytelling. Participation is limited only to those who apply and are accepted.

To apply, send an e-mail to Udonandu2015@gmail.comYour e-mail subject should read ‘Workshop Application.’

The body of the e-mail should contain the following:
1. Your name
2. Your address
3. A few sentences about yourself
4. A writing sample of between 200 and 800 words. The sample must be either fiction or non-fiction.

All material must be pasted or written in the body of the e-mail. Please DO NOT include any attachments in your e-mail. Applications with attachments will be automatically disqualified. 

Deadline for submissions is April 30, 2015. Only those accepted to the workshop will be notified by June 2, 2015. Accommodation in Lagos will be provided for all accepted applicants who are able to attend for the ten-day duration of the workshop. A literary evening of readings, open to the public, will be held at the end of the workshop.

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