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The kiss comes like a splash of cold water on a harmattan morning. One moment we are sitting there laughing at Ben Stiller’s antics, the next his tongue is making its way down my throat. My first reaction is shock. Next, disgust so strong I can hardly keep myself from gagging. Then there is anger. What the hell? Just because we spend a few hours a week together, that does not give him the right to invade my privacy and orifices with his tongue. I wonder how he manages to talk with that thing in there anyway. Finally, there is pity; and it is that that makes me endure until he pulls away of his own accord. I look at his face, see the stupid self-satisfied smile it wears, and for a moment the pity evaporates and I want to slap him. Before he opens his eyes I rearrange my facial features to show something milder; less disgust, less pity, more whateverness.
“Wow.” He is breathless.
Idiot. I want to scratch the look of wonder off his face. Thanks to him we would have no more movie watching or hanging out time; things would be too awkward now. And I will definitely die of boredom. My gravestone would read, ‘Somebody Somebody, Sometime to Somewhen, Died of Boredom.’ Thanks a lot, Chuks.
“So did you like it? Was it good for you?” I ask in my driest tone.
“It was awesome!”
“Great. I’m glad you enjoyed yourself.”
I turn and stare at the TV for a moment, pretending I can still follow what’s happening. He reaches for the remote and pauses the movie. I turn to him, my eyebrows raised.
“Babes, you know I like you, right?”
Babes? Babes! One tongue shove and I’m already his babes? That immediately kills whatever pity I have left.
“What’s all this?” I ask, moving away from him.
“What’s all what? I like you…”
“And so you try to choke me with your tongue? Yeah, if I had any doubts that you liked me, they’re gone now.”
“Oh that’s good then.” He moves closer to me. “So, what do you say? You like me too?”
How had I never noticed how dense he is? I stand and start walking to the door.
“So what now, you haven’t answered. Do you like me? You think we might have something going here?”
I turn and smile sweetly at him.
“No, we do not have something going here. There is nothing going on here. We had something good , but you had to go and ruin it with your massive tongue!”
I open the door and start to walk out. But one last parting shot seems in order.
“For your future... endeavours; it’s kissing, not organ swapping.”