Wednesday, June 10, 2009


I heard that song today. It’s funny, but I never thought the day would come when I would hear those haunting notes and not dive under my bedcovers, burying my face in already damp pillows, or dash to the nearest restroom – like a hen fleeing a randy cock – to ‘fix my make up’. It was the same song you sang to me the day you asked me to be yours; that song that spoke of love, of fire, of passion. That song had made you my addiction, my obsession, my life. It became our anthem. It became our song.

I heard our song today. It’s odd, but tears did not well up in my eyes. It’s not that I’ve forgotten the pain; oh no, I still remember. Of course my life ended when you said it was over, after ages of loving only you – knowing only you. The world lost its colour for me that day when you said no, the feelings were just not there anymore. I could not cry, not just then. How many rivers of tears could expel the hopes and dreams, the future I had built around us? Didn’t you know that I had already joined us in my heart, given us three kids like you’d always wanted; two little girls, pretty like me, and one little man with loads of swagger, like you. Didn’t you know that we were meant to live out that fairytale; that happily ever after made only for the ones like us?

They played the song today. It’s strange, but I didn’t die again. It was that same old love song that spoke of you and I, or what we used to be. Did you know that the sun rose with your every smile, that time when there used to be us? Did you know that the sound of your laughter became the music of my day; that every time you held my hand all was good and right with the world. And did you know that I broke down when you found someone else? You see, I had believed that you would be back; that our song would make us ‘us’ again somehow; that a love like ours just could not die. How could I have known I was thinking wishfully?

I heard the song today. It’s clich├ęd, but time does heal wounds. I think of all the gray days I had; days when I’d died a thousand times plus one; days when I’d ached so much I'd finally understood why they called it heartbreak. Yes, my life was cut off when you left. But like a lizard’s tail, it’s slowly growing back on. I can feel it. Or how would you explain this peaceful quiet while I take in the song; this simple memory, without the pain; this smile that now reaches my eyes.

Yes, I heard that song today. It seems sudden because I didn’t see it coming, this healing of my spirit. Am I now ready to put my heart out again? Not quite. But I did notice the sun come out today – without you here. I feel the stirring and I know it won’t be long now.

So I heard the song today, the same one we used to call our own. I breathe easy, so I know I’m nearing the end of that road of grief. I’m becoming whole again. I’m letting go. I’m moving on.